“NEGOTIATION SKILLS” ARE THE SKILLS WE NEED TO
MOVE THE NEEDLE FORWARD
“Negotiation is really just compromise.” I read this quote the other day, from an article in a well-respected business journal, and I just shook my head and semi-shouted “no, no, no”! at my computer (there was no one else in the room, so actually shouting would have been a bit ridiculous). This view, that negotiations are some sort of “short-selling” of what we actually want or need in life, is one of the reasons that people avoid learning about negotiations, and by so doing, lose out on a VITAL skill that we need, more than ever, to move the needle forward in business, and in life in general.
The result of an unskilled negotiation CAN end up being a compromise, but it doesn’t have to be that way. So, what is negotiation, and why are the skills of negotiation so vital? Glad you asked…it’s pretty basic… negotiation occurs whenever you want something. More specifically, negotiating is the art (and science) of getting what you want, when what you want isn’t something you can do for yourself. In his book Never Split the Difference, Negotiating as if your life depended on it, Chris Voss describes negotiating as “communicating with results”, and notes that since conflict in life is inevitable, it’s “useful–crucial, even–to know how to engage in that conflict to get what you want without inflicting damage.” So, if our approach to “negotiating” is that everything is “compromise” we might miss out on actually getting all that we want, and we might actually cause some damage in the process.
The good news is that it is possible to get what we want, without inflicting damage on those around us. In fact, those folks who truly embrace negotiations learn that not only is it possible to get what WE want, it is possible for the people in our lives that we are negotiating with to get what THEY want, too!
I’m not suggesting that learning how to negotiate will somehow create some “magic” that will ensure that all your wildest dreams will come true, or you’ll be in the land of rainbows and unicorns… but what I can attest to is that learning the skills needed to “communicate with results”, is important to improving all of our relationships…in our businesses, communities, schools, churches, organizations and even in our families. I have found that when the relationships improve, the results improve too. And who doesn’t want to improve their results?
Like every skill, negotiation takes learning, application, and practice. Unfortunately, in many settings, the skills that are so vital to successful negotiations are overlooked as “soft skills”, when in reality, they are “bedrock skills” that everyone can learn, improve, and build upon. Skills like mindful listening, asking good questions, looking at situations with empathy, creating and evaluating options and alternatives can all be learned, practiced, and mastered. When those bedrock skills are learned, other skills like having difficult conversations, and building coalitions can be added to the toolkit. In places where these skills are valued, learned, practiced, and mastered, a culture of collaboration and creating emerges. Such a business, organization or family will see different results than those who avoid negotiations out of a misguided view that all negotiations are just compromise. Worse yet are those individuals who avoid negotiation all together and use other methods to get what they want. We have all seen (or been subject to) those who get what they want by coercion, fear, threats, and other power-grab techniques.
The mindsets that “power must be taken” and that “collaboration is for the weak and unpowerful” can do immeasurable harm.
Change may not come instantly, but change can come, if leaders determine to become advocates of the skills necessary for productive negotiations. If leaders begin to learn about, practice, and value listening, empathy, and collaboration, then “compromise” as a technique for solving the myriad of issues facing our families, communities and businesses can fall away, and negotiations…where we communicate with results can begin to emerge as how we move the needle forward. We have much to do in this country…we need to embrace the skills and practice of negotiation to get us there.
KAREN WHITE is a retired USAF Lieutenant Colonel, a lawyer and a John Maxwell Certified Coach, Speaker and Trainer. She is also Certified Personality Insights Behavior Consultant specializing in DISC methodology.