I don’t know about you, but these days I find a lot of “communication” is really more about “being heard” and less about actually accomplishing anything.
It’s a rare day when I open social media or listen to any media that someone isn’t trying to convince someone else of something in a way that leads to disagreement and division, rather than problem identification and solution.
Much of this “communication” is nothing more than a “shouting match”. It’s exhausting to read, and it’s exhausting to participate in as well.
When I recognize a situation that disturbs me, it is my practice to figure out what is going on, because I tend to believe that most people are rational people who are doing the best they can in life. (I know that isn’t always the case, but I find it more productive to start from that premise, and then seek to learn something, than to just dismiss folks as “crazy” or “irrational”, because I think I miss out on learning if I do that).
So, recognizing the prevalence of this “communication style” of just yelling down the other side ….. I started thinking about why this happens, and more importantly, what’s the better way?
I think there are a few reasons why people have resorted to “shouting” at each other about hot and important topics these days. I don’t have any scientific research to back this up, just my lived experiences (which come especially from those situations where I’ve found myself as the one who is “shouting”).
There is so much information in the “marketplace” these days that people fear being “lost in the crowd” and thereby not “heard”. Take any topic of interest these days, and enter it into any internet search engine, and you’ll get multitudes of “answers”. When we have an opinion we want “heard” we may feel that we have to “shout” to be heard amongst all the other information.
Our response to someone else’s strongly expressed opinion is to state ours “a little bit louder”. This sort of situation results in a lot of “yelling” but not a lot of progress.
So, how can we do it differently?
We believe that if we “explain” ourselves, then others will agree with us, which will validate our opinion. However, this may not be the result. Eric Barker writes in his book “Barking up the Wrong Tree” that “explaining” is almost always “veiled dominance.” Sometimes when we are “explaining” we are not doing so in order to educate, we’re trying to “win” to validate our opinion, and that energy translates to the entire conversation.
I’ve noticed all of these things happening in both private and business conversations and transactions, and you probably have, too.
The intriguing question to me is whether we are content with conversations and relationships that continue to “outshout” each other, or whether we will develop different mindsets and strategies to move through the “shouting” and find the solutions we need for forward progress in our families, our companies, our communities, and our country.
So, how can we do it differently?
The first thing to address is our mindset around these kinds of conversations. Being aware of the mindset we are bringing into any communication opportunity is the first step to improving the results.
If I approach every conversation, negotiation and communication from place of “winning” versus “losing”, then I am much more likely to engage in behaviors that are seen as “combative ” or “competitive”.
If, alternatively, I approach my interactions from a mindset that I have something to learn from every situation and person, I am more likely to be more “collaborative”.
When I understand “why” I’m taking a position that I’m taking, and simultaneously exploring that same question for my counterparty, I am much more likely to discover those places where we can forge agreements, or trades, creating options where both sides are likely to gain something of value.
While I am interested in the “theories” and “philosophies” of reaching agreement, I’m equally interested in finding practical and tangible ways to enact those theories and am continually on the hunt for good “how to tips” for making conversation and negotiation more collaborative and effective.
Eric Barker offers a 4 step process in “Barking up the Wrong Tree” that I find interesting, and fairly easy to incorporate into my daily practices. I offer this process, and my thoughts on how to incorporate this into daily life, in hope that you, too, will find it useful to changing the ways we communicate with each other (especially around the topics that are so important to us these days).
Here is the 4 step process Eric suggests (with some of my personal learning around these topics added in):
1. Keep calm and slow it down.
I love this first step because it’s so easy to overlook. Things move at a high speed these days, and many times we find ourselves thinking, speaking, and acting at the speed of “now”. However, if we haven’t taken the time to check in with our mindset before we begin, we may find ourselves speeding toward a war in no time flat.
I recently learned a great grounding practice, and it is so easy to do…..when you find yourself in a stressful situation, take some deep breaths.
Breathe in for a count of 4, and then out for the same count of 4. Do that three times, and you’ll be amazed at how you can get grounded and break that “lizard brain” reactionary tendency. This simple exercise doesn’t have to take a lot of time, but especially when things are getting heated, it’s good to slow down, check in and keep your wits about you.
2. Use Active Listening.
There are two ways that we listen…..we either listen to respond or we listen to understand.
When we are “actively listening”, the primary purpose of our listening is to understand what the other side is saying. I was taught that active listening involved more than just “hearing” what the person was saying….it involved techniques that communicated that you were hearing what was being said. Tactics such as repeating back what the other person just said are helpful in showing that we are listening and that we understand what the speaker is saying.
I teach an additional element to listening that I’ve learned and that is to “mindfully listen”. When we are mindful listeners, we are aware of what is happening in us, as we are listening to understand. If, as I’m listening, I’m mindful that I am beginning to feel an emotion rise up, or if I’m mindful that my attention is beginning to wander to what I’m going to say in response, then I’m in a better position to bring myself back to the present moment, and more fully engage with the conversation. Mindful listening helps us to do step #3 in the process.
3. Label Emotions
It is so interesting to me how tentative we are around emotions, even though they exist in every conversation that we have, especially those around sensitive or important topics. Yet, when we fail to acknowledge the emotions that are present, we miss the opportunities to get to the root of what’s going on in the situation.
For example, in a labor negotiation that I was involved in years ago, there was a palpable undercurrent of anger coursing through the participants that went unacknowledged for a period of time.
When the mediator finally called out the “elephant in the room”, the group was able to address the real issues that were underlying the disagreement.
The anger stemmed from perceived “untruths” related to management’s intentions, and the perceived “disrespect” from the labor union officials. As long as those emotions were present but unnamed, there would be no agreements made. When the emotions were labeled… ”it seems like you are very angry about that suggestion”… then progress could be made to uncover what was really going on, and a resolution could be reached. (The mediator in that situation was brilliant at uncovering the underlying issues, such that actual progress toward improved labor/management relations could be made.)
4. Make them think.
When we find ourselves in a “shouting match” with someone, it is helpful to ask questions like, “what is your suggestion for a resolution?” or “what do you think would fix this?” These questions change the conversation from a “shouting match” to a solution-focused discussion. These questions force both sides to consider options to solve the situation, rather than continuing to vent or attempt to extract a concession from one side or another.
We have important things to do these days in our families, our communities, our country and our world.
We are unlikely to find the solutions we need if we continue to “shout” at each other, in an attempt to be heard.
We need a different approach
We need a different approach, because alone we don’t have the answers, but together we do.
The time is now to think about how we can have the important discussions we need to have in a way that makes us better, instead of pulling us further apart.