I’ve heard and seen the phrase “mindset matters” a lot and I know from my own lived experience that it is true. Recently I have been doing some evaluation of my own mindset and the things that contribute to it, and I was a bit surprised by what I found.
Mindset is exactly what the word says….where your mind is set. There are many ways to describe our mindset—pick a topic and you have a mindset about it. The power of mindset is that when our mind is set on something, we are going to go in that direction. What I’ve discovered in my many year journey into learning about mindset and how to cultivate it, is that for many of us, our mindset is an unknown quantity. Unless we are intentional about exploring and evaluating our mindset, we may be operating without much mindfulness. If we stop and ask ourselves the question: “what’s at play here?” we can begin to figure out what mindset we are operating with, and more importantly, whether that mindset is serving us well.
Recently, I was lamenting the fact that I’ve been feeling worn out, exhausted, and unmotivated…. but I really didn’t know why, because I wasn’t really doing anything that should have led to being worn out, or exhausted. So, I got intentional about acknowledging what I was saying to myself about my situation and highlighting my mindset. For me, this process isn’t too hard or cumbersome, and it certainly isn’t magic. I have some three-word phrases that I use to get intentional about figuring things out.
The first phrase I use is “Isn’t that interesting?” I’ve found that if my first reaction to noticing that something isn’t how I would like it is to judge or condemn myself, I find myself justifying the exact thought or behavior that I’m unhappy about. So, instead of condemning, I get curious. Noting to myself – ”isn’t that interesting, I’m feeling really worn out, but I don’t seem to have any obvious cause for that feeling” allows me to move to the next phrase (which is really a question) – ”what’s going on?” This question allows me to be curious about what might be happening, to investigate what I’m thinking or how I’m responding (or reacting) to circumstances and situations around me.
So, after spending some time investigating, I came to a surprising conclusion. I have developed a “striving” mindset. I’m not sure exactly when “striving” became my unconscious operating system, but for me, the feelings of being worn out, exhausted, and unmotivated were coming from something I’m calling a “toxic self-improvement” mindset. Somewhere along the way, I turned wanting to improve into an unhealthy focus on what all needs to be improved…. which has led to a place of being worn out and exhausted, and entirely unmotivated to continue. For me, this focus on all that I need to fix, and the fact that the timeline is growing shorter as I grow older, has become toxic. Toxic thoughts are those thoughts that infect us to the point that we can’t (or don’t) move forward in a healthy way. That’s where I found myself…. engulfed in a mindset where “striving” was the focus…. where my mind was set.
With the perfect timing that I have come to expect in my life, this week I received my copy of a new book by one of my favorite authors, Kate Bowler, and her writing partner Jess Richie. This unexpected mindset shifter is called “Good Enough; 40ish devotions for a life of imperfection”. I was on the first page of the preface when I came face to face with the mindset issue I was facing…. the Perfectibility Paradigm. Kate describes the perfectibility paradigm as the never ending (and completely impossible) search and focus on achieving perfection. For me, this constant and consistent effort to make it better, to get to the finish line, and the relentless comparison with others and how they are running their race fits into that perfectibility paradigm. If I just keep “striving…
I suspect that I might not be the only one who gets worn down by the toxic self-improvement mindset. I suspect there might be others who are consistently working to get better, do better, and have better results. I suspect there might be others who have a toxic self-improvement mindset, too.
So, what do we do?
Do we just give up and stop working, and just settle (oooh, that’s a loaded word, right….settling?)
No, I don’t think so. Here’s where our ability to control our mindset comes in. The wonderful thing about being human is that we have the right and the ability to change our mindset! I often repeat some wisdom that I heard once from a very successful businesswoman….”You can start a diet in the middle of a bag of potato chips!” I love the simplicity and the truth of that statement. Likewise, you can change from a toxic self-improvement mindset to a mindset that serves you better at any point. It takes awareness and intentionality. Awareness is when we get in touch with how our mindset is affecting our thoughts and actions, and intentionality is when we determine to do something different.
I have one last phrase that I use when I’m working on changing something…. ”from now on.” It doesn’t matter what happened before (how many potato chips I’ve eaten)… from now on I can do something different. So, what new mindset am I working on to replace my toxic self-improvement mindset? I’m working on developing a mindset of “learning”, rather than “striving”. I am employing my powers of curiosity when I’m faced with a situation where something isn’t exactly as I want it…. asking why, and what, and leaving the judgment and condemnation behind. I’m strengthening my powers of observation of the good that is around me…. not everything is out of sorts, even when it feels that way. And I’m learning to know that what I have right now is good…. .and that is enough. It is true that I might not get to all the places and do all the things that I have in my plans while I have time here on this spinning planet, but as I replace my toxic self-improvement mindset with a curious learning mindset, I just might discover some good stuff along the way that I hadn’t even known about, and I hope that I won’t be as worn out, exhausted and unmotivated through the experience!